You've been pwned. It's a Friday and you just got some sketchy email, some reporter just called you, or the Feds somehow sent you a fax and some dudes whose first names are Special Agent darken your door. They don't tell you much, so now you're wondering - WTF should I do. Before you call high-priced consultants - like me - help me help you. I'll be honest, if you screw things up right at the beginning, I'm going to be there a lot longer than you want me - I'll be unhappy and you'll be unhappy with the results. During this talk, I'll tell you what to do, and what not do; where to look, and where not to look; what to say, and what not to say when badness happens to you. Also, I'll walk through a quick scenario and together we'll cheat our way into a poor-mans batch script to help you collect and store the valuable, volatile data so you can safely shut down your system, unplug the interwebz, and go out for a drink.

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